Filed under: Self
Have you ever read those lists of things you’re supposed to keep in your wardrobe? things like ‘cashmere sweaters’ and ‘trench coats’. I don’t know about you, but my ‘basics’ list does NOT include cashmere sweaters! I was thinking about this … why is it that when we feel down about the things we are lacking in our lives, all these lists pop up on the Net. Things that involve spending money (which is usually the reason people are cross in the first place – they don’t have any!).
the things I think you need?
To stand up straight. I was peoplewatching today and I was quite surprised at how many had terrible posture. Maybe it was because I did ballet for a number of years, maybe it was because I can still hear various family members screeching “Stand up straight!”
To drink enough water. I struggle with this – I don’t like the taste of horrible town water, but it’s still something that we constantly underestimate. It does make a very big difference.
To spend some time outside. It’s refreshing, it wakes us up and cheers us up. It’s also helpful for your vitamin D stores.
To get enough sleep. This is a difficult one for me too. I’m naturally an ‘owl’ – a night person. I get my best work done at night, but apparently the best sleep a person gets is before midnight. So I’m working on it 
To get enough exercise. This doesn’t have to mean you go to the gym, or run around the block. It can mean you walk down to the shop on the corner, or that you walk around your garden, or that you have a go at doing an ‘exercise’ dvd or take the dog for an amble. Don’t be a perfectionist – just do something. Something is better than nothing. A pedometer is a good motivator too.
Getting up in the morning and making an effort. This one trips me up sometimes … if I’m working at home I tend to just get dressed and get going, but really it is better to get tidied up with a shower etc … puts you in a better frame of mind. I don’t know how many times I have been surprised by an unannounced visitor with my ‘home clothes’ on and my hair sticking up
Is there anything else you think is valuable – something else you find essential? leave a comment
There’s always something more interesting to do than writing a report, cleaning the bathroom, doing your GST or working overtime.
There’s always someone online searching for ways to motivate themselves to do the boring, the nasty, and the just plain old horrible jobs that they don’t want to.
What bores me might fascinate you, but that’s not the point!
1. Set yourself 15 minutes to work really hard on the boring job. Tell yourself you only have to do 15 minutes then you’re allowed to stop. Chances are you’ll be on a roll and will get a lot more achieved than you originally thought.
2. Get some company. It might be someone to come with you on the daily walk you know you should be doing. It might be a trainer once a week at the gym. It might be a mentor, or a coach, or your sister. Company makes things easier and you can both complain about the boring job at the same time
3. Write about what’s going on. You can do this in a Word document and stash it somewhere secret on your hard drive. Or you can buy a gorgeous blank notebook and use that. But write about it – all the benefits of it, why it will make your life easier, why it might get you more money.
4. Don’t bite off more than you can chew. Don’t be tempted to agree to a deadline you know will be impossible. Negotiate some extra time so you can do a really good job. When you finish earlier you’ll be proud of yourself, and the other stakeholders will be impressed
5. Break boring things into smaller tasks. It’s all very well to say ‘this house is a tip, I want it clean by tomorrow’. Come on, you know that’s not going to happen. Start with the area that annoys you the most. Start with the front entrance, or the kitchen. Start with your bedroom so you have somewhere nice to retreat to at the end of the day.
6. If you’re writing the boring report I mentioned earlier – or any piece of writing there are several tricks you can use. Firstly, look carefully at what is required. Don’t go off on tangents, stick to the subject. Less work, less stress and much more professional. Begin your document by working out a topic sentence for each part you need to address. Topic sentences are the beginnings of paragraphs, and they usually are an overview of what the paragraph will be about. This way you organise your thoughts, your document will be well organised, and you won’t forget to include essential points.
You can also turn your monitor light right down, and use a stream of consciousness method. You will obviously not be able to see what you’ve typed, and this will get the creativity going. This method will not give you a finished product, but if you type all your ideas completely randomly you will be able to organise them later into the broad idea of your document. This method will sometimes bring out points you hadn’t planned on adding, which can be interesting and useful for another perspective.
Don’t plan on perfection for the first draft. No one ever gets perfection the first time. Use the 15 minute method and just TYPE!
7. Make yourself a chart As I said before, break your goal down into parts, and give yourself a tick every time you complete a part. This will also help you sort out the specifics of what needs doing. You will be able to see at a glance where you are and what you need to work on next.
8. Ask for help if you’re stuck. It is much better to ask for help before a deadline, than to sheepishly admit that something hasn’t been done.
9. Think about your efficiency. If you’re trying to complete a task in a noisy room, or while kids are running around, or while the rest of the office is having Friday afternoon drinks – STOP. Think about what you need to work effectively and make sure you get it. Look at your timetable for the day and organise things to suit yourself as much as possible. You might need silence, or background noise, or a good supply of water. Make sure you get it.
10. Find a picture which illustrates your completed goal. If it’s a work thing you’re dealing with, focus on the pay rise, the holiday plans, the increased income. Even the compliment from your boss. If it’s a home thing, visualise the outcome. Look around online for your picture or even in magazines from your house. Make yourself a poster and put it somewhere you’ll see it every day. Look at it intently, focus on it, imagine yourself on a better path. Be determined to get there.
Because everyone deserves to have a happy life.
As we all know, life does not always give us what we want. The life we want requires effort, struggle, passion, frustration and that favorite word – motivation. You are improving yourself every time you struggle … it’s just hard to see sometimes. Think carefully about the big picture of how you want things to be, and the boring stuff won’t be so boring any more. It’s just one more step towards your goal.
What colour is your house? where did you go to primary school? what sort of car do you drive?
Did you notice that while you were reading, the answers were in your mind almost immediately?
The strange thing about our minds is that they are always looking for the answers to questions. Throughout your life you are building such an immense store of knowledge, and it all cross checks with itself. The brain comes up with answers to support a question based on a variety of scenarios. Unfortunately, some of these are … somewhat biased.
So when you wake up in the morning and your first thought is why don’t I ever have enough time? your brain will come up with answers to that exact question.
I’m overloaded at work, there’s no hope of catching up. There aren’t enough hours in the day. I’m so busy I never have time for myself. I’m a working parent with three kids. If my flatmate/kids would only tidy up after themselves … I’m the only person who can get it done properly. No one else ever takes responsibility. I don’t have time to take a full hour for lunch. I haven’t got time ….
see how it works?
You’re dooming yourself to a horrible day before you even get out of bed.
Try Why do I always have enough time to do what I want?
It’s such a little thing but it is so powerful. The thing is, you won’t believe it until you try it.
Have a lovely Wednesday – it is 6.00am and the rain is beating down on the roof. Gusts of wind. But both the cats are inside and I have lots of things to do, the garden will grow and while it’s raining so hard it can’t be freezing cold, so hey
Somewhere else on the net, I saw someone asking advice about a ‘weight coach’.
I have to confess I haven’t done this as a separate, specially negotiated thing. It seems to happen as a side issue. In a first session it might come out as one of the areas that is worrying the client. So we might walk while we’re doing our sessions, or I might gently keep them on track as they go. Sometimes having someone to ‘report’ to makes all the difference. Especially when the person is not going to be judgmental, or laugh, or anything awful like that.
Anyway, the person that I was talking to online had met with a ‘weight coach’ for a first session. The person advertised themselves as being very good at neurolinguistic programming. The session was supposed to take three hours (!) and at the end of it the coach told the person that they couldn’t coach them, that was the end, have a nice life.
The person was devastated. They thought there was something wrong with them, they hadn’t given the right answers, there was something so wrong with them and they were a fatally flawed human being.
They were also embarrassed that the coach had probed into some quite deepseated and emotional issues. The person felt shy to talk like that because after all, they had just met the coach. They felt that three hours was a long time to focus so intently, in short they felt uncomfortable and put on the spot.
What a shame 
Personally I think it is good to keep a first session – an introductory session, as this was supposed to be – to a shorter time period. I wouldn’t go too intently into details of specifics – I like to meet the person, see how they communicate, how they use language, see what is worrying them and where they are not satisfied with aspects of their life. I don’t think it’s the session to work miracles and magically sort every issue that has ever been.
If I had reason to think I couldn’t help the client, I would recommend someone who I thought could. I might think another professional would have better solutions, or there might be things the client could do which would work better.
I hope this situation didn’t put that person off, because from what I’ve seen of them they communicate perfectly well, there are a lot of strategies that they could use that wouldn’t stress them, and wouldn’t interrupt the parts of their life that are ticking along quite nicely. Let’s face it. Weight is never a straightforward issue. You can’t just sign up to the gym and see your life transformed in a month.
You also can’t be expected to instantly trust someone to let them into all your innermost thoughts and feelings. It takes a little time for things like that to evolve. The good thing is however, that a coaching relationship is ’specific’. There is a purpose to it. It’s not as if you’re wondering whether to go out with the person, or move into their flat. One of the things we learn in our training is to gently, and unobtrusively keep the person on track. They are paying for results. It is all about them. It’s not about spending an hour discussing the rotten government (did I just type that?!), or how the kids are getting on, or random social things.
It is all about the client. It’s about you, and how you can alter things, recreate things, address issues and sort your life out to suit yourself.
Fun
Wow it is a beautiful morning – well, as beautiful as it can be at 5.25am
Today I have some questions for you, before I show you what I just found on the ‘net. It will keep you amused for hours, well, at least five minutes!
If you could have done two things differently in your life, what would they have been?
How would you describe your ‘perfect life?’
Are you living the life you really want?
Be brave, leave a comment or talk to me on yahoo messenger : coachdawn_newzealand
Here is the link I promised, enjoy! Visuwords
I know more than one couple who are planning their big days
It’s heartening to see that there is still romance in the world … most of the weddings I’ve been to have ended in divorce. Sometimes it was a foregone conclusion, sometimes it was out of the blue. A few people I know have been married a long time, but they are in the minority. My mum and dad have been married 42 years, and my sister and her husband celebrated their 11th wedding anniversary last week. A few of my friends have been married for years as well, but they are outnumbered by the amount of people I know who are divorced.
A lot of people haven’t actually seen a good marriage in action. They have no role models, they don’t know how it works. We all know it’s never happy ever after. Marriage has incredible highs, periods of drudgery, frustration, anger, laughter, boredom and pure fun. We all change, and the person we married will not be the same person twenty years on. I think with some people they fall into the patterns they saw growing up.
It’s easy to have a preconceived idea of what marriage should look like.
When I was growing up, there was never a mention of getting married. The emphasis was on education, being responsible and working hard. No one had a special bank account saving up for my wedding, no one expected the boyfriend to turn into The Husband. There was no pressure.
Where this caused problems was in my present relationship. I had learned to be very independent. My other half was brought up to look after women, to be the breadwinner and to take full responsibility for everything financial. Once we realised that we were on opposing sides (that’s not quite the right phrase, but it’ll have to do for now) things became a lot more understandable. I toned down my independent streak, and he learned to deal with a bit of the pressure he put on himself.
What examples of a good marriage have you seen?
What have you done lately to make your relationship a priority?
What are some of the barriers you face as you try to make time for yourselves as a couple?
Do you ever let work come between you?
Have you ever tried complimenting your partner using all the letters of the alphabet? oh I know, it sounds ridiculous, but it’s fun! I admire the way you work so hard. I love watching you play basketball. Thanks for cooking a yum dinner yesterday. I dreamed about you last night!
Finally I recommend the book Love Languages. It’s not heavy going to read, and it might surprise you.
Hi everyone!
In Auckland again this week. I won’t be out at Mount Wellington this time, it’s the CBD. But we can negotiate on that ….. just let me know. I will be briefly back in Hamilton on Tuesday/Wednesday.
Leave me email at coachdawn_newzealand(at)yahoo(dot)com if you’d like to find out more about coaching – I’ve got a few favorite cafes we can meet at!
Hope your working week is fun and that you have time scheduled to enjoy yourself doing something you love. If that happens to be your job – excellent!
If there’s anyone in Auckland who would like an introductory session + another session *free*, drop me a line. I will be in Aks definitely the 7th and 8th of July, possibly a little longer. I will be roaming around between Mount Wellington and the CBD, so if you’ve a favorite cafe somewhere in that vicinity we could meet up
I will be up there again in the week beginning the 14th July, and we can arrange a time that suits you for the second session.
The only catch to this brilliant offer (no free set of steak knives though, unfortunately) is that you’ll be happy to write a blog post for me. No identifying details, no gory in depth analysis, no parading of your private stuff all over the Internet – just a post about what the coaching process was like for you.
You can contact me at coachdawn(underscore)newzealand(at)yahoo(dot) com
I’ll assume you know how to read my code
Go on! it’ll be fun! and we’ll get to drink some good coffee as a bonus!
Do you say sorry when you haven’t done anything wrong?
Do you worry what other people think, even complete strangers whom you don’t know and are never likely to see again?
Do you ask for permission even when it is unnecessary?
Do you find it impossible to say no – even when you know you really need to, for one reason or another?
Do you try to restrain your natural reactions when you are recieving bad news? you don’t want to cause a scene or embarrass anyone …
Do you smile when giving someone else bad news, because you’re so nervous about how they’re going to react, and what they will feel, and what they might say, and how you’ll deal with it …..
Do you think/know that other people aren’t interested in your ideas, or what you have to say?
Do you often say things like “I have a question …” or “Is it ok if ….”
Do you ‘know’ whether or not people want you to do things, and adjust your behaviour accordingly?
Do you lend friends/acquaintances money and then feel unable to ask for it back? Then berate yourself because you needed that money in the first place, you wish you hadn’t agreed, and now your finances are going to be messed up for months …
Do you have friends who overstay their welcome? eg friends who come around for a coffee and end up staying for dinner and dessert even though you meant to be in bed early because you have a hard day at work tomorrow …
Do you end up doing things at work just because no one else wants to take them on?
Do you stay quiet during meetings?
Are you always the last to leave work because you’re busy tidying up other people’s jobs/messes?
Do you eat food that isn’t what you ordered/not up to standard in restaurants, instead of sending it back?
Do you put up with unwanted noise rather than asking the person to turn down their stereo/television etc?
Do you wait for your boss to offer you a raise instead of asking for one?
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Give yourself :
1 for Never
2 for Occasionally
3 for Often
4 for Always
If most of your answers are 1s and 2s ( Never or Occasionally), then you probably are a good judge of the appropriate behavior for the appropriate situation. Sometimes you end up doing things you’d rather not, or you berate yourself for changing your actions when you wish you hadn’t. But in general, things are not too bad. You’re not too worried about what other people think of you, because you know that it’s impossible for everyone to like everyone … so there’s no point in tiptoeing round to try and make everyone happy! In general you have fairly strong self-esteem, and you don’t often think self-denigrating thoughts. There might be a few areas in which you could fine tune things, but nothing major. However it might be that you’re in quite a comfort zone, and need some ideas for waking things up!
If most of your answers are 2s and 3s, there are likely to be some areas in your life that aren’t working as well as you’d like. A lot of the time you feel controlled by other people, and you are not that happy about it. The need to be a ‘nice person’ doesn’t rule your life, but it is a fairly strong influence on you. You’d like to feel a bit more comfortable with yourself and how you react to things. Sometimes you don’t have any problem at all sticking up for yourself and getting what you want. Other times you fee unable to stand up for yourself, and you get quite angry without actually voicing your feelings. What’s worse, you can’t work out why this is happening.
If most of your answers are 3s and 4s (Often and Always), then you already know how serious this is for you. You are a real ‘people-pleaser’ and it’s making you miserable. You are always doing what you think other people want. You would be mortified if you thought you’d annoyed someone, and get really upset about it. You try to live by other people’s rules and you find it very frustrating and worrying. You wish you could just ‘pull yourself together’ – you have very little compassion for yourself, and you think other people have a low opinion of you too.
I love long weekends – time to catch up with all the people I like the best
I will have an interesting exercise for you tomorrow. I am too comfortable and well fed to make any more effort now, so you’ll have to wait til then
