Here I am at 6.00am in the morning, doing some work and thinking on a comment made to the last post.
To foster communication, people need to feel they will be listened to and not judged.
This comment from ZenTiger is right on the mark. When I first heard of ‘life’ coaching, I thought what the *&^% is that? I’d heard about business coaching, and that seemed completely sensible. I have a little to do with a big corporation and some of the things I hear just make me cringe. I definitely think some of those people could do with a huge dose of coaching, because the decisions they make/the way they do business/the way they treat people are quite frankly abysmal. Then they wonder why efficiency isn’t at a high, why there is a high turnover of staff, and why people don’t go out of their way to create a happy working environment. When you have a bunch of suits all high on testosterone only thinking about themselves, you are apt to run into trouble.
But life coaching – surely most people have themselves together enough to sort their lives out? Do they need to see someone to be bossed around, told what to do, be told what isn’t working and how they should look/behave to make things really work?
It’s not like that at all.
Think about your circle of friends/mates/acquaintances. Who do you trust when you want an impartial viewpoint on your life? who do you talk to about those vague worries you have, the times when you think your life isn’t going the way you want. Do you even know where your life is going? what is your secret dream? do you worry that if you talk to one of your mates they waill laugh, scoff, brush you off? Have you ever tried talking to someone about personal things in a cafe, or in a house where kids are lurking around and the phone rings and your other half might walk in just when you’re discussing your relationship?
Some men especially find it hard to talk. There is a lot of pressure. Go to work, make the money, make that mortgage payment, be a sensitive partner (what does she want anyway?), mow the lawn, talk to your kids. Men do things differently to women. I know that sounds sexist, but it’s from my experience, yours might be different but for the purpose of this entry my opinion goes, so hey 
I think if you’re a guy it is easy to come up with solutions. Ways to fix it, what your partner should do and say. Women go on and on about it, they go round in circles, talking and talking. Why doesn’t she just do this and this, and the problem will be solved? Mostly, women don’t operate like that. Talking clears the head, you can hear your own thoughts, new stuff comes out, you can talk about it and come to a conclusion. This drives men crazy, in my opinion. Talk talk talk! just fix it! I’ve said to my other half sometimes … I just want you to listen and go uh-huh, you don’t need to fix it. Oh! he said, quite surprised and happy, I can do that. So we did and it was great.
Some people use blogging for the same reason. It’s a way to communicate, to organise your thoughts. Sometimes you get great feedback. Lots of relationships are formed this way, and from a far wider range of people than you’d meet in everyday life. Sometimes the feedback is negative. That’s ok too. You can always shutdown
But life coaching is confidential. It won’t go any further. The coach isn’t sitting there going is it dinner time yet, I have to make school lunches, this person is being an idiot really, they don’t really love me, is this a problem with me personally, I can’t wait to tell this in the tea room, what a juicy piece of gossip!
Men especially can find it hard to open up about what’s worrying them. They retreat, they go quiet, they go and spend time in their shed or they snap at the kids or they vanish for hours. Some men have been really surprised at how easy it is to talk when someone is asking interesting questions with no agenda. They like the exercises we do because it is efficient, it’s solution based without being waffly. They are amazed at what they find out about themselves. They discover that there is a lot more going on than ‘being a guy’.
With some men the gender divide makes it difficult for them to talk to women in their lives. There is always the question – am I going to screw things up if I talk to my partner about our relationship? will she move into the spare room? will she smash dishes? now I am going to extremes describing this, but you get the idea.
With a coach there is no worry about this. There is no question that the coach will report back to the partner or that the relationship will be belittled. Coaches are trained in different communication styles, and ways of learning. There is subtle stuff going on, like how does this person learn, what is their learning style, how do they process information, which approach is best for this particular person.
It isn’t one size fits all.
One of the main problems I see time and time again, is how people don’t feel listened to, they don’t feel heard, they feel that they are just a job description or a role. They stop communicating and this makes it harder for those around them, as well as themselves. They go through the motions of what they are expected to do ( or what they think they’re expected to do). That’s where the unhappiness starts. Assumptions are made and the person ends up veering off the path that would make them happy. Let’s face it, unhappiness spreads. You’re unhappy, your partner doesn’t understand what’s going on, fights start, you drift further apart. It’s awful.
Anyway this has turned into a very long post so I hope you’re still here reading, if you are you deserve a cup of coffee and some peaceful time in the sun. It’s overcast here – hope it turns out to be a nice day. For you too
Filed under: Family
We are going to rename our house ‘The Ark’
This afternoon I was walking past the fish tanks, when I noticed a whole lot of bubbles floating. That’s weird …. I had a closer look. And nearly fell over.
We are now the proud parents of about 50 teeny tiny baby angelfish.
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Today also we found out about a marriage break up, it is very sad 
Filed under: Family
Here is an interesting way for you to waste hours on the Internet :p
Apart from that, my life has been impossibly busy since I posted last. Never a dull moment. I am really looking forward to Easter weekend *sigh* ….
We have a new addition to our household. The addition is very tiny, with really big feet. Yes, the son acquired a kitten. We were all a bit dubious about another cat, especially as we have a Fat Black Pudding who likes to stalk in and out to survey her kingdom .. and we’d kept them apart purposefully. Until this evening, when the kitten was racing around the dining room and the Black Pudding made an unexpected appearance.
The kitten stopped, stock still. The Black Pudding’s eyes went as big as saucers ; she crouched down and her tail began to whip. The kitten took a few tentative steps forward, and the Black Pudding sissssssssed in a very menacing fashion indeed. The kitten immediately turned into a miniature bottle brush – but only for a moment. He began to run towards (towards??!!!) the menacing Black Pudding …
who promptly turned and RAN AWAY.
I couldn’t believe it. I went outside and collected her, and brought her in for some extra special cat food. I left her eating, and walked around the corner to the kitchen. I was only in there for about two minutes, then I went back to see what she was doing.
She had disappeared, and the kitten was eating her food :p
I just had to drop in to announce that it is *so* fun having a 13 year old who just started secondary school. The first day was today. After all the buying of uniforms, stationery, school bags, roman sandals, pens, caps, enrollment papers, subject choices …. it was really fun to see him go off on his first day. He had a blast, by all accounts. Although I could have done without sewing a million nametags on everything, it was worth it when he came back and told me all the details. It’s exciting
On the daughter front – I was sitting here this afternoon checking some emails while she and her friend played outside with a bucket of water and two cups. The shrieking, giggling, splashing, leaping around and running away were hilarious.
I remember when my kids were babies, and someone said make the most of it, they grow up so quickly. I remember looking down at those rose-petal soft faces, and thinking what a load of rubbish.
But it was so TRUE!
I still get in trouble for calling them both ‘bubby’. I have to stop that. It wouldn’t be cool if I let that slip in front of secondary school sized mates :p
what a pain. Especially in a smaller house.
A few days ago a friend of mine was standing in my kitchen talking to me while I made coffee. She caught a glimpse inside my pantry and commented on the way I’ve organised things in there. She liked it, so I’ll pass the idea on.
It’s a boring standard corner cupboard, that really needs replacing. The shelves are quite deep and really too far apart to be of any practical use. We went to the Warehouse and bought some plastic containers. They come in different sizes, and are white and grey.
What you do : you use these boxes to categorise the different things. Like, one box contains all your sauces, one (or two, I really need another one) contains baking ingredients, one contains packets of juice, one contains things you need on the table while you’re eating dinner. The boxes mean that you can easily take everything out if you need to clean the shelves, and they keep everything together. The boxes aren’t expensive at all, and it makes it a lot easier when you’re checking what you have before you write a grocery list. You could do it however you liked – and please make sure you do, because a system that you personally set up will work the best.
It gives the entire pantry a much better appearance too. No jumble of different labels and sizes. It also helps the kids put things away in the right place, which is always good. The daughter likes to rearrange the pantry from time to time, then we spend a month looking for things and discovering things we didn’t know we had, etc etc :p
I should take a photo or two so you can see what I mean. But it’s a good system, not expensive, and partly solves the problem of having a generic cupboard for a pantry that isn’t really efficient.
There was another funeral today, at Kaikohe, at the Kotahitanga marae.
Hone Tuwhare was the author of ‘No Ordinary Sun’ the first collection of poems published by a Maori poet in English. It was published in 1964. Hone lived in Dunedin at the time of his death.
Tree let your naked arms fall
nor extend vain entreaties to the radiant ball.
This is no gallant monsoon’s flash,
no dashing trade wind’s blast,
The fading green of your magic
emanations shall not make pure again
these polluted skies . . . for this
is no ordinary sun.
This poem was written regarding the testing of nuclear weapons in the Pacific.
Hone began his working life as a boilermaker, at the age of 17. He spent time overseas, and had fellowships at Otago University. One of my colleagues is closely related to Ralph Hotere, and Hone and Ralph worked very closely together on a number of occasions. From talking to my colleague I’ve got a much better sense of ‘Uncle Ralph’ as a human being … which is a big part of the appeal Sir Edmund had to the people of New Zealand. His number was in the Auckland phone book, and he always took time for others.
For all that these two people have left us, their legacy will remain. They achieved some awe inspiring things, but what stands out in the reports from their funerals, was the way they connected with people.
What would you like people to remember about you?
Filed under: Family
I’ve been watching the coverage of the state funeral for Sir Edmund Hillary.
I could have been in Auckland, but what with parking and travelling and working I decided to stay here instead, so I could watch and see it from all angles. It was the most fabulous, touching service. It had humanity – it wasn’t just a collection of dignitaries and speeches. There were little kids waiting to see the cortege pass by, his grandkids spoke, his children spoke. People hung out of trees in the Domain, the pallbearers were so dignified, the haka was inspiring. A great kauri has fallen indeed.
There were two policemen standing on his and Lady June’s driveway. An unprepossessing driveway off Remuera Road. If you’ve ever been along Remuera Road, you would know that there are some rather – ostentatious places there. But this driveway had no gates, no intercoms, no crouching lions or buzzers or security.
Just two policeman, waiting, and as the cortege went by they saluted. There were some little children there too, all dressed up, they even had sparkling white socks on (how did their mothers manage that??) . He was such a – New Zealander. I’m very happy he had a state funeral, but I’m also happy he had his little corner of the world to retreat to when he came home.
Now the funeral is finished, and he is with his family. I find those days in between the death and the funeral to be very hard, so I hope that now they can say their private goodbyes and be at peace, just like him.
I have a lovely photo here of the arm which featured in a recent blog post. But I decided not to show it to you, because it has fourteen (!!) surgical staples with a long incision, and I thought it might make some of you feel sick.
You can thank me with a nice cup of tea, a foot massage, or a comment at the end of this post praising my sensitivity and consideration, thankyouverymuch 
I’ve discovered something really funny over the last week or so …
we have a teenage son. He is a relatively new teenager, but as they do he likes to push his limits and see how determined we really are to stick to the boundaries. In the past this has really upset me and made me cross :p so I’ve been thinking about how best to deal with it. I had all sorts of complicated plans and strategies, but in a moment where I wanted to rip my hair out and climb the walls I discovered something really simple.
“I have resolved not to fight with you.”
Doesn’t that sound bizarre? that’s what I said. He was really pushing me, seeing if I would crack. That statement came out of my mouth, and it seemed to make him stop for a minute. Teeth gritted, I repeated it. It sounds so formal, and so stupid at the same time, that he started to laugh. Now I use it all the time, even when he’s threatening to try his wrestling moves on me, tickle me, pat my face, lick me, or something equally annoying! I stay still, leave my hands by my sides, don’t try to defend myself or stop him annoying me, and I say it. I can say it without cracking up now, and it defuses things, every single time. I have no idea why. I don’t know why it works. But it does. And now I hereby pass it on to you to use on your delightful teenagers. You can use it when they are trying to cause trouble in between talking for hours on your phone, eating everything in the fridge, telling you your opinions are rubbish, and that everyone else in Hamilton is allowed to stay up til midnight and have random parties at a moments notice.
It works. Try it
Hi everyone!
You know, we went away on holiday in such a hurry that I didn’t have time to post before we went
BUT I was thinking of all of you while I lay on the beach, went for walks, and played with the tribe of sandy happy little children present at our holiday spot! My mum and dad have a bach at a beach on the east coast, and we had a fantastic time there. Although someone in our house who shall not be named managed to break their arm rollerblading, which is why we are back in Hamilton sooner than expected – because tomorrow we will find out if surgery is needed and no the person with the broken arm is NOT me!
Anyway, this is a short post just to let you know that I am still alive, and now I am off to write an email to someone else who is interested in joining the Thursday group. 2008 is looking pretty good from here. I hope you’re having fun wherever you are too!
Talk again soon
