NewZealandCoach’s Weblog

Here I am at 6.00am in the morning, doing some work and thinking on a comment made to the last post.

To foster communication, people need to feel they will be listened to and not judged.

This comment from ZenTiger is right on the mark. When I first heard of ‘life’ coaching, I thought what the *&^% is that? I’d heard about business coaching, and that seemed completely sensible. I have a little to do with a big corporation and some of the things I hear just make me cringe. I definitely think some of those people could do with a huge dose of coaching, because the decisions they make/the way they do business/the way they treat people are quite frankly abysmal. Then they wonder why efficiency isn’t at a high, why there is a high turnover of staff, and why people don’t go out of their way to create a happy working environment. When you have a bunch of suits all high on testosterone only thinking about themselves, you are apt to run into trouble.

But life coaching – surely most people have themselves together enough to sort their lives out? Do they need to see someone to be bossed around, told what to do, be told what isn’t working and how they should look/behave to make things really work?

It’s not like that at all.

Think about your circle of friends/mates/acquaintances. Who do you trust when you want an impartial viewpoint on your life? who do you talk to about those vague worries you have, the times when you think your life isn’t going the way you want. Do you even know where your life is going? what is your secret dream? do you worry that if you talk to one of your mates they waill laugh, scoff, brush you off? Have you ever tried talking to someone about personal things in a cafe, or in a house where kids are lurking around and the phone rings and your other half might walk in just when you’re discussing your relationship?

Some men especially find it hard to talk. There is a lot of pressure. Go to work, make the money, make that mortgage payment, be a sensitive partner (what does she want anyway?), mow the lawn, talk to your kids. Men do things differently to women. I know that sounds sexist, but it’s from my experience, yours might be different but for the purpose of this entry my opinion goes, so hey

I think if you’re a guy it is easy to come up with solutions. Ways to fix it, what your partner should do and say. Women go on and on about it, they go round in circles, talking and talking. Why doesn’t she just do this and this, and the problem will be solved? Mostly, women don’t operate like that. Talking clears the head, you can hear your own thoughts, new stuff comes out, you can talk about it and come to a conclusion. This drives men crazy, in my opinion. Talk talk talk! just fix it! I’ve said to my other half sometimes … I just want you to listen and go uh-huh, you don’t need to fix it. Oh! he said, quite surprised and happy, I can do that. So we did and it was great.

Some people use blogging for the same reason. It’s a way to communicate, to organise your thoughts. Sometimes you get great feedback. Lots of relationships are formed this way, and from a far wider range of people than you’d meet in everyday life. Sometimes the feedback is negative. That’s ok too. You can always shutdown

But life coaching is confidential. It won’t go any further. The coach isn’t sitting there going is it dinner time yet, I have to make school lunches, this person is being an idiot really, they don’t really love me, is this a problem with me personally, I can’t wait to tell this in the tea room, what a juicy piece of gossip!

Men especially can find it hard to open up about what’s worrying them. They retreat, they go quiet, they go and spend time in their shed or they snap at the kids or they vanish for hours. Some men have been really surprised at how easy it is to talk when someone is asking interesting questions with no agenda. They like the exercises we do because it is efficient, it’s solution based without being waffly. They are amazed at what they find out about themselves. They discover that there is a lot more going on than ‘being a guy’.

With some men the gender divide makes it difficult for them to talk to women in their lives. There is always the question – am I going to screw things up if I talk to my partner about our relationship? will she move into the spare room? will she smash dishes? now I am going to extremes describing this, but you get the idea.

With a coach there is no worry about this. There is no question that the coach will report back to the partner or that the relationship will be belittled. Coaches are trained in different communication styles, and ways of learning. There is subtle stuff going on, like how does this person learn, what is their learning style, how do they process information, which approach is best for this particular person.

It isn’t one size fits all.

One of the main problems I see time and time again, is how people don’t feel listened to, they don’t feel heard, they feel that they are just a job description or a role. They stop communicating and this makes it harder for those around them, as well as themselves. They go through the motions of what they are expected to do ( or what they think they’re expected to do). That’s where the unhappiness starts. Assumptions are made and the person ends up veering off the path that would make them happy. Let’s face it, unhappiness spreads. You’re unhappy, your partner doesn’t understand what’s going on, fights start, you drift further apart. It’s awful.

Anyway this has turned into a very long post so I hope you’re still here reading, if you are you deserve a cup of coffee and some peaceful time in the sun. It’s overcast here – hope it turns out to be a nice day. For you too