This topic came into my head while I was thinking about what I do on holiday …
I like to read. A lot. An awful lot. I would rather read than do anything else. I do own a lot of books, and I have quite a number on coaching and related topics. Someone said to me “why should people pay for a coach, when they can just go and buy a book that will tell them the same thing?”
Well, I thought the answer was obvious. Reading a book is just that – reading a book. The book won’t fix anything, or heal a broken heart, or help you get your disorganised life into shape. It won’t make your boyfriend listen to your needs, or sort out the problem you have with your in-laws. The book can’t do the work – you have to.
The book can inspire you, or give you new ideas, and show you a new perspective. That’s all. But let’s face it – most people reading books like this are past the stage of needing ‘a new idea’. Relationships of all kinds are damn hard work. Sure there are good times to make up for it – but if you don’t want to be stuck in a rut, wearing your saggy trackies, eating ice cream out of the container and waiting for your other half to come home from work at midnight, you probably need to look at what’s going on overall. Not just with your partner.
And this is why talking to a coach is more effective. Coaches use a skill that some people forget about as time goes on. They listen. They hear leads in what you say, and they have you up about them. Being objective is not the same as not caring. Coaches do what we do because we DO care. The training we do, the books we read, the study we undertake, is all because we see things going on in the world that bother us, and we like to know ways of fixing it.
Sometimes people say ‘but it wouldn’t help me, because the problem in my relationship isn’t of my doing. She/he won’t make any effort’.
You can make a difference in your problematic relationship by putting in some work yourself. I’m not blaming you for the problem you have – I’m saying that you are not a helpless string of spaghetti who is being washed down the plughole in the detrius of last nights dinner. You have a choice. And let’s face it – what you’re doing now is not working. You should try something else. Something that will get results, something that is efficient and effective. Buying a new pair of shoes will make your feet look pretty, but it won’t let you move forward in your relationship. And buying a new pair of shoes is probably the same price as a session of coaching (depends on where you like to go shoe-shopping, I guess 
) You can talk to me by yourself, or I can talk to both of you – this depends on the situation and what would be most useful and helpful.
Remember that coaching sessions are completely confidential. They are at a time that suit you (yes I do work some strange hours sometimes). You don’t just talk to me for an hour and then go back to your life – you will have homework, things to do, things to think about. Things to put into action. Right from the beginning.
So anyway, remember if you contact me before Christmas (that is 5 to 12 midnight on Christmas Eve!) you will receive 50% off. I don’t mind if you are gay, or if you lead some sort of alternative lifestyle, or if you are single and want to know what you can do, or if you’re stuck in a boring rut and have no idea what to do next. You can talk to me at coachdawnunderscorenewzealandatyahoodotcom – or look for me on yahoo messenger with the same name. We can do phone coaching if you are unlucky enough not to live in New Zealand, or if we don’t live in the same area of NZ. You don’t have to put up with things the way they are, and you don’t have to be miserable (or even vaguely unhappy) a minute longer.
Talk to you soon 
Went around to see a mate and we had a lovely time drinking latte in the sun, talking and relaxing.
Have you had some time out today, just to chill?
This friend of mine works flat out all through the year, and we were talking about how she finds it really hard to relax when she goes away on holiday. I’m going to take her some dvds later, so she can watch them on her laptop while she’s away. I have to confess that since my experience with burnout a year ago, I have absolutely NO PROBLEM doing nothing so she has got me thinking about how I actually do it …
For me, I have to be organised. If there are jobs that need doing, I can’t relax. They bother me. But the trick to this is, deciding on which jobs are *essential* and which are not. Be strict when you think about this. Cleaning out the wardrobe in the spare room is NOT essential. Having clean clothes ready and something to eat IS.
More on this later, maybe. I am busy doing nothing while drinking a cup of tea, which of course demands my full attention :p
Sometimes Christmas can feel really lonely.
Sometimes people are living too far from their families to make the trip back. Sometimes they’re no longer in touch with their families. Or perhaps you’ve had a death in your family this year, and you’re dreading the thought of that special day without that person there. All totally natural and normal, but what to do about it?
I’m not assuming that being alone for Christmas is a bad thing. I know of people who *adore* being alone on that day. The media’s image of happy families isn’t the only option … there is nothing wrong with taking a day all for yourself, where you can relax, wallow in some luxurious treats, and enjoy some peace and quiet.
If you’re going to be at home alone, make sure you get your food shopping done before the day. Have some nice food lined up, and something to drink. It doesn’t have to be alcoholic – I have three bottles of sparking grape juice in my fridge at the moment (we call it ‘kid’s wine’ at our house – it’s so the kids can have something in a nice wine glass when we have special dinners. The other half and I always end up drinking it too. It’s also on special at New World supermarkets at the moment, for about 3.99 a bottle!). Plan on having a proper breakfast. The best breakfast I’ve had in ages was at a friends place in Dunedin – waffles, maple syrup, bananas, and bacon. Or you could make Eggs Benedict. I can’t decide which is my best favorite … but if you don’t know how to make them, isn’t it time you did? The recipe I’ve linked to outlines the steps really clearly. I would advise halving it. Some really good quality orange juice would be yum too.
Make sure you’ve a book, a couple of dvds, and that your house is all clean and tidy too. Just think, you can sleep in, listen to the music you want, and eat whatever you like. Have a bath, paint your toenails, treat it as a day *just for you*.
If you’ll be alone on Christmas Day for reasons you’re not happy about, use that day to do some writing about it. Maybe there are changes you might need to make for 2008. I’m not about to tell you off if you know there have been mistakes in the past, but if you’re unhappy about choices you’ve made now might be the time to make some decisions. Even just scribbling down random thoughts in a list can help. If you’re unhappy because someone has passed away, you could try writing them a letter. It might make you cry, but it can be a good way of getting all those thoughts out of your head. Maybe you might find a special place to keep the letter, but once it’s written seal it and put it away.
After all of this, think about somewhere special you want to go in January 08. Maybe it’s a beach you haven’t been to, or some hot pools somewhere. I can recommend Waikite Valley pools, they are just divine. There is a small camp ground nearby, so you could go for a couple of days. Another nice place to go is Shelly Beach on the Coromandel Peninsula. Shelly Beach has a special place in my heart, and I’d love it if you got to experience it too The hot pools at Te Aroha is another place that you will love. All of these places are not too expensive, and involve a little bit of a drive so you’re getting away from the mundane
The other thing that could be fun is to have a party at your house on Boxing Day. No fuss, no drama, just turn up with whatever guests want to bring, lie around in the sun and relax. A nice change after all that family-type togetherness. But you’d probably need to let people know ahead of time …
It is the other half’s last day at work before his Christmas break. I think a bit of clock watching is going on right about now :p
So I am doing a LOT of housework to make sure everything looks nice for when he gets back.
This isn’t because I am the female part of the relationship. I don’t do gender stereotypes. It’s because I happened to finish work a few days before him. It is also because if the house is organised I can relax, and therefore not be grumpy and stressed. It’s because I think it is nice to get home and find the house is not a bombsite, and to feel that someone has been thinking of you and has made an effort.
In all the rush leading up to Christmas, it is easy to become stressed and uptight, which isn’t good for relationships. Christmas is supposed to be a time of peace, and I like to keep that in mind. I’d hate to think I made everyone around me miserable rushing around, snarling about present-wrapping/traffic etc. Last night the children and I went out to do the last of the shopping. We were walking back to the car when we heard a torrent of abuse pouring out across the carpark. A young woman was obviously walking back to her car, the same as us, but someone had started to back out and hadn’t seen her. There was no danger to her life, and the car stopped immediately. But she reacted as though someone had tried to barbecue and eat her first born child. She swore, she waved her arms, she was threatening, she was abusive. An elderly couple just ahead of us got a huge fright, my kids had eyes like saucers, and I thought “you really need to get a grip. There are worse things happening in the world right now. ” I also had thoughts of a bar of soap, but that’s neither here nor there :p
It will be the first time since we’ve been together that the other half doesn’t have to work right through. No pagers, no cellphones, no dramas cropping up. We will even be able to go away, to somewhere that doesn’t have broadband internet connectivity.
Anyway I must get back to my jobs, but I wondered – have you had some peace and quiet today?
Filed under: Coaching
… I just had to come back, because I nearly forgot -
Someone commented on one of my posts – the one entitled “Why I decided to write a blog instead of a website”. They made a cryptic comment – perfectly polite, but not a lot of information to go on! This was interesting, because I was talking to the other half in the weekend about how I was thinking about creating a website. Well if I’m honest, I was thinking about how *I* would talk about this website, and *he* would magically MAKE IT SO.
I’m not sure if this is how it works necessarily, but I like the concept
My idea was to put a link to this blog on the website itself. Any thoughts?
coachdawnunderscorenewzealandatyahoodotcom
Someone asked me to do something tomorrow, but I had to say no. This was because I’d already been asked to work on another project, which will take up all my time. Then they asked about Wednesday, to which I had to reply that I might be able to, if I’d finished tomorrows work – but I’d be sure to let them know before the end of the day.
They turned on their heel and walked away without a word.
The facts of it are these : I usually help them out. The person I am working for tomorrow is their (and my) senior. Added to that, SeniorPerson asked me first. So I am sorry that they feel cross, but there’s nothing I can do about it.
A while back I would have felt bad about this, and turned myself inside out to try and do two jobs at once. I would’ve worried that they didn’t like me any more, that they were mad at me, that I should apologise. But no, now I am in charge of how I feel, and I know I was perfectly reasonable and polite when I explained it.
Later today, the person appeared to have calmed down, and that’s good too. I don’t want that person being all cross and grumpy about it. But every time I have to do something like this, I appreciate all the work that I put in to learn how to say no reasonably, politely, and without a twinge of conscience. In the past this situation would have caused me a lot of stress and given me a nearly impossible job to complete. Saying ‘no’ politely but definitely is a great talent to have, and I feel sorry that so many people in the world are unable to prioritise, and save themselves from a lot of stress and drama.
Did you say no today?
If you look at F1 in the hard copy this morning, you will see an article entitled “Time Out to Reflect”.
It opens by introducing an Auckland accountant named Hilary, who took on a corporate job in Auckland a couple of years ago. She was having trouble ‘fitting in’ to the culture at her workplace, and decided to use her Christmas break to reflect and decide what to do. She’d read a book called “The Artists Way” and used a technique from that to assist her.
This book is one I wrote about in an earlier post. It’s by Julia Cameron, and it seems to touch people in really personal ways. I have both the book and the workbook, and I think they are a worthwhile investment. The specific technique that Hilary used is called ‘morning pages’. You write three pages every morning. You write about anything that comes to mind, there is no set topic.
You might think this sounds bizarre. But it’s a tried and true technique that will give you a lot of insight into what’s really bothering you, and it will also give you leads into what you need to go about changing. At the group meeting the other day someone (you know who you are!) was saying that they have recently started doing this too. Now, this person is educated, aware, and smart. She is not the sort of person who would do something random that had no apparent benefits. She was saying that she is pleased with the progress she’s made since she started doing the morning pages, and also surprised at what she’s discovered.
Reflecting on your life/day/week is something that a lot of people use in different ways. Teachers do this all the time – it’s a way of processing, learning and planning. You might look back at how you dealt with a particular child, what the outcomes were, and what you might do in a similiar situation next time. You might look back on a particular lesson, and think about what worked and what ‘lost’ them. Yes, that horrible moment when you see that blank look on a child’s face and realise that the approach you thought would work, has not. Oh well, that’s another story – learning styles, planning approaches, context, whatever. Teachers do this right through the year – yes, at the same time as they are being teachers/counsellors/nutritionists/nurses/sports coaches/mental health workers/paper pushers and all the other things the Government expects them to be on any given day. But this is not a political blog, so I’ll stop right there :p
A lot of people look back at this time of the year. It can be a hard thing to do if you had expectations for the year that have gone nowhere. For some reason writing assists hugely in this process. Even if you make a list of the highlights – or write one thing you remember about each month specifically. Of course, if you want more detailed assistance you can always talk to me But I do recommend writing as an easy way that you can begin today. That article in the Herald would be good to read in full too. I’ll see if it’s online somewhere so I can link to it.
I had a nice talk to my boss the other day when I dropped in to pick up my daughter. He pointed out a few things he felt I had helped him with. It was so nice of him to do this, because sometimes it can be easy to overlook the positives when you are stressed and busy. I wouldn’t have his job for anything – so I liked it that he made time to give me some encouragement.
I have been up for quite a while this morning, I woke really early and decided to enjoy the early morning peace and quiet. The sun looks as if it is trying to come out through the clouds, which is good because I want to spray my roses. I have a bedroom to sort out and I need to catch up on some email. The last thing I am thinking about is that I have to do some sewing, but I will talk to my mum about that. She is brilliant at sewing, and maybe she will help me out – I’d hate to ruin the material!
Perhaps I will post some photos later too.
What are you doing today?
I’ve been thinking some more about the ‘good fathers’ posts.
It’s really hard to describe what a good father is. My latest anecdote is about when I was in the car with my dad, on the way to the church to be married. My dad does not indulge in emotional speeches, he does not tell me he loves me, and he does not pat my head or hug me or anything like that. He is a fairly blunt person, more likely to tell me where I have stuffed up than where I have been good. But that’s ok, I’m used to him being like that, if he suddenly rang me up to give me compliments I would think body snatchers had grabbed him. So I was wondering what he might say during this car ride, the only time we had been alone anywhere since I was about 4 years old!
He had provided me with the most spectacular wedding. Nothing was spared, it was beautiful, there were a lot of people (he was in charge of the guest list), he spent a lot of money and a lot of hours making sure that everything was perfect.
So in the car, we were almost to the church, and I had almost resigned myself to the fact that he wasn’t going to say a word, oh well. Then he says, out of the blue, while looking out the window in the opposite direction :
You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. We can turn around and go home if you’re not sure.
When I talked to someone about this years ago, they thought this was kind of strange. But honestly, I thought it was the most sensible, caring thing he could have come out with. He’d spent a HEAP of money, people were coming from all over the place, it was a full scale lavish production. Now since then I have talked to a LOT of people who had doubts on their wedding day, and felt that they couldn’t say anything because of all the preparations. They didn’t want to let their parents down, they were too scared to say anything, they felt they HAD to go through with it. Even though they knew they were doing the wrong thing.
At the moment my taciturn dad said this, I absolutely knew without a shadow of a doubt that I could tell him if I had doubts, and that he’d tell the driver to turn the car around and take me home without saying a word of blame.
Of course, I might be attributing too much to him, he might have yelled and foamed at the mouth, but I don’t think so
So if you’ve come to my site looking for information about what makes a good father, I hope that my telling this story has pointed you in the right direction.
You know what, I am feeling full of the joys of the season today. It is beautifully sunny and I have a nice cup of tea to hand. Sure, I have things to do today, but tonight we are going out to my work Christmas party which will be fun. I have great colleagues and I like to see them relaxing instead of stressing over reports/budgets/paperwork etc.
So in the interests of spreading this good mood around, I have decided that each new client who signs up with me before Christmas will receive a 50% discount. That applies to phone coaching as well, so if you live in some far away country don’t feel rejected, this applies to you too Oh I know, my accountant will kill me, but never mind I am a big girl
This time of the year seems to be when a lot of people think about what has happened over the last year, and what they would like to improve for the next. This year I have heard about some of the following issues :
a person who is worried about their financial situation – but underneath the issue is really that he is lonely, disorganised, and unhappy because he is single.
a person who is incredibly stressed at work, is facing health issues, and being a perfectionist can’t delegate or take their hands off long enough to be able to relax.
a person dealing with issues relating to a ‘blended’ family – step children, etc.
a person who isn’t satisfied any more with their job – they are considering a career change, but unsure how to go about it.
a person who has low self esteem due to a number of factors, and just isn’t happy with the way their life is going. This is an interesting tangle of threads which will be fun to unravel.
When people look at their lives, there seem to be two ways they do it. There is either ONE big problem, unrelated to the rest, (or so it seems …) or the whole scenario is so convoluted that they have no idea where to start. Sometimes this applies to relationships – it can be so difficult to see where the actual problem lies. Having a coach lets you really understand what is at the heart of the issues. You don’t spend hours fruitlessly trying to sort things out.
So anyway, if you have a fabulous life where you are deliriously happy and have no worries in the world, why are you still here reading? 
otherwise, send me an email and we can make a start. Life’s not a dress rehearsal!
coachdawnunderscorenewzealandatyahoodotcom
