Filed under: Photos
Now tell me honestly, is New Zealand not the most beautiful country in the world, the solar system, or the universe??
And lastly, here is a picture I took from the window of the Auckland apartment. You can see the Sky Tower in the background, and the waterfront is to your right.
lovely person today. We talked for ages and I admired her companion. Very cute indeed 
We have decided to create our ‘group’, and we will meet on Thursdays. So if you live in Hamilton NZ, and you want to make some changes in your life, send me an email or leave a comment.
This will NOT be where you get all dressed up and put lots of makeup on. It will NOT be where you sit uncomfortably wondering what to say next. This is more about knowing that you have some time each week that is just for you. There is no ‘dress code’ or anything boring like that. This is all confidential. You can wear your trackies or your lavalava or a even a tiara if you want. This is where you can be completely honest and know that not a word will be repeated anywhere. Sure, I am a coach, but I’m not the boss of this group of people. We will all be the bosses, and we will all listen and talk and support each other and leave feeling great.
Go over to this page to read all about it. Someone’s already typed it, so I don’t have to :p
It’s recommended that the group is not bigger than 8 people, so don’t think on this and decide it’s something you’ll get around to. Do it now, it’ll be funnnnn
coachdawn_newzealand@yahoo.com
Christmas shopping yet? nope, me neither.
I have a friend who has everything purchased, wrapped and labelled. She has bought everything non perishable and planned the menu. Her Christmas decorations are going up on the 1st December, and not a moment before.
I remember the horrible feeling I had when the first Christmas after the separation came around. I realised that the exhusband had all the Christmas decorations as well as the tree. I had to start again, and believe me at the time funds were not forthcoming to accomplish this easily.
Luckily for me, the children were quite small. So as the years have gone past, I’ve been able to recreate the Christmas decorations, and I store it all in one of those plastic wheelie boxes with a lid. At school there are a group of parents who are really good at crafts, so I earmarked a few things and bought them during the year. I might put a photo up of what I purchased in a few days time …
I really like tinsel, and it’s not hugely expensive. I also look on the sale tables after Christmas – that’s how I bought my Christmas tree. I don’t use a real tree, because it annoys me to cut something down that is decorative for a few days, then goes in the rubbish.
How do you decorate for Christmas? is it a big deal to you? or is it something you think only people with kids do?
Well, the answer to that is relatively simple. People who want to make some positive chances in their life, and they know that they need support.
Some people just have an uneasy feeling that something is wrong. They’re not happy, and they can’t put their finger on why. Others have never felt as if they have a place in the world. They feel that no one listens to them or really understands them. They might feel that they are lacking in skills, or confidence.
Some people want to create a healthier lifestyle (I HATE that word diet). They want support while they’re getting into better routines with eating and exercise. Some people are dealing with the aftereffects of their childhood, and for a variety of reasons don’t go down the counseling path. Sometimes it is relationships that are talked about – maybe there is a pattern of choosing unsuitable partners. It might be that two people go to coaching to work on their relationship together.
Time management is a big one – how to organise your day so that things get done, and you still have time for the important things. I have a particular passion for work-life balances issues ; while I completely understand ambition I have seen first hand what happens when the person concentrates on work to the exclusion of all else. There are a lot of ways to organise your life so that you get the rest and refreshment you need for continued performance at work.
Some people require coaching when their circumstances have changed. This might include being laid off, having a baby, or retirement. I think the new baby scenario can be a big shock. The pictures we have of parenthood are not always the reality …
There are a lot of reasons why people come to coaching, and every single one of them is valid. But I am always ready to be surprised by a new one! I do not charge for that first meeting, when you are curious and maybe apprehensive about coaching. The reason for this is, we need to talk to each other to see if we can work together. Are we able to ‘connect’ with each other. There will be questions about the coaching process you’ll want to ask, and also talking will allow me to get a picture of the issues you’re particularly concerned about. Then I’ll be able to tell you if I can help. I should also be able to give you an idea of the time frame you can expect to be working in.
There are many ways we can do this. Skype is a good way to make contact. It means we can talk and discuss possibilities without either of us incurring a toll charge. Email me at coachdawn_newzealand@yahoo.com, or look for me using the same address on yahoo messenger.
talk soon
Filed under: Coaching, Family, Organisation, Relationships, Self, Work and Motivation
No charge, meeting in Hamilton North cafe, to drink coffee and talk about setting up support group based on Cheryl Richardsons Life Makeover series. It’ll be fun! coachdawn_newzealand@yahoo.com for details. Babies and little kids welcome (there’s a toybox and they do nice ‘fluffies’!)
I hesitate to label anyone, but continuing on the theme from the other day …. some people are just generally bad for you. Aggressive, manipulative … however you describe it it’s not good. The horrible thing is though, that until we learn how to deal with these people they will keep inflicting their bad behavior on us, and nothing will change.
One thing that particularly used to bother me in this scenario was that I had to be so incredibly specific, and even then I wasn’t always understood. I started to wonder if I was speaking in Chinese. It seemed that I was always being misinterpreted, and I was always at fault. When the person rang me, I would get off the phone an hour or so later (no matter what time of the day it was) feeling frustrated and tired. It felt as though I was giving and giving, and the more I gave the more it wasn’t enough.
What was really horrible though, was sometimes wondering if what I’d heard was a compliment or an insult?!
First I tried the reasonable approach. I tried to be as gentle and non combative as I could – I talked to the person about how I felt about what they’d said. The response was not what I expected. I ended up defending myself, and explaining my actions. However clearly I tried to do this, I couldn’t get my point across. There didn’t seem to be a solution, and the problem was all my fault.
So what should I have done? What can *you* do?
I am going to be blunt about this. You cannot make this person change into someone else. There is no sweet nice person hiding under the blankets, who will leap out and surprise you with a bouquet of flowers. They are behaving obnoxiously because they are obnoxious. Once you have that in your head things will be a lot easier.
Do not be accommodating. Don’t change your plans any more to fit in with them.
Be very specific with what you say. Where possible, put things in writing so they can’t be misunderstood. Don’t get into arguments with them, because you’ll get manipulated, shouted down, or otherwise messed with. Just don’t do the arguments at all. Walk away, especially if you are getting angry or upset. It’s not worth it.
Don’t drag other people into the conflict. Huge, messy dramas can erupt from these situations and that’s the last thing you need. Believe me; other people see what’s going on. Please keep your dignity and allow the person to show the world how they behave.
If you’re seriously wondering if you’re being unreasonable, talk about it in confidence with someone uninvolved. It will let you get it out. If you don’t want to discuss it, write it down in a journal or on a piece of paper. Even just a list of words describing how you feel will do. Then screw it up in a ball and kick it round your garden before setting fire to it!
Finally, as I said yesterday – remove yourself. If it is not absolutely necessary for you to deal with them, then don’t. It can be hard to make yourself do this. I thought of it as being a last resort. I thought I would miss the person, I felt bad for them; I wished I was more patient, I wanted to be more tolerant. But the facts of the matter were: it was a toxic relationship that added nothing to my life, and I couldn’t do it any more. After it ended, I felt so relieved. I felt lighter and happier, and I wished I’d done it sooner.
So will you.
They can be so scary.
If it helps, remember that these people are insecure, they usually lack self esteem and self confidence. You can always recognise them, they are the ones pointing their finger at you, clenching their fists and glaring. They blame other people for their mistakes, they threaten them. They accuse people. They are critical. They tend to use a lot of rather nasty sarcasm. They are masters of ‘the silent treatment’. Their lives are all about them, and they have no compunction in ordering others around for the sheer hell of it.
There will be none of this ‘which restaurant shall we go to?’ or ‘do you mind if I change the channel?’ Your life will be about what they want, and they won’t be shy in telling you. There won’t be any negotiation, or asking you what you’d like. They’ll tell you what they want, and that’ll be it. Argue/question at your peril.
You will notice that they invade your personal space. They might touch you, or stand too close to you, forcing you to back away. Your possessions are theirs for the taking. They burst into your office, or they pick up your personal things. They might stroll into your bedroom, or they might think nothing of answering your phone. Sometimes these people are so blatant it leaves you open mouthed and floundering, which they will take no notice of. They think they are entitled, after all.
They are stingy with their affection, and they can be violent.
Sometimes we don’t discover an aggressive personality until it is too late – when we’re in a relationship with it.
So what happens when you decide to deal with the world in an aggressive fashion?
You lose love and affection. You make people dependent in an unhealthy way. You lose control. You cause damage to the other person – this can sometimes take years for them to overcome. You create fear, resentment and distance.
Aggressive people are scary. But if you don’t make a stand, things won’t improve.
In a nutshell :
Make sure you remove yourself as much as possible from the aggressive person. End any dependency. Speak up for yourself calmly but strongly. Establish strong connections to healthy people, so you have support. Don’t let yourself be caught alone with them. Stay calm, state your intentions clearly, and then walk away. Don’t think that this is being rude, you have a right to set boundaries for yourself. But the most important thing is – stay away from the person as much as possible.
Women as well as men behave like this. If you are female, the odds are 100-1 you’ve already dealt with someone like this already in your life. If you’re a man, I have sympathy. It is very hard to stay gentlemanly and deal with this type of woman. But it can be done. See the rules above. There is a huge difference between being polite and being walked over. And believe me, if you let this type of person into your life, the ramifications won’t be pretty.
People who are aggressive enjoy frightening other people. They are uptight, and they never relax. They are very tiring to be around. An interesting fact about these people is that they always believe that what others have done to them is very serious, very important. They spend a lot of time telling you about it. But what happens to you is not worthy of comment, it’s insignificant. Often if you try to talk to them about something that happened to you, they will effortlessly twist the conversation back to themselves without batting an eyelid.
Pretty depressing post, but I bet all of you recognise someone you know …
Ok a few of us are meeting on Thursday at 10.30am in a cafe, Hamilton North. We’re talking about setting up an informal support group – along the lines of the groups publicized by Cheryl Richardson. So if you’d like to attend, send me an email and I’ll tell you where we’re meeting.
I know, I know, any excuse to drink coffee
coachdawn_newzealand@yahoo.com
You could divide communication styles up into three. People can be assertive, aggressive, or passive. That’s a simple way to define things, and many people use all three at different times. So how do you define the three styles?
Let’s look at passive first.
You don’t really express who you are. You hide your thoughts, your needs and feelings. No one knows the ‘real you’. You’re quiet and co-operative. You don’t stand up for yourself. You try very hard to fit in with everyone else. This pattern of communication becomes destructive in the end. You might find yourself thinking I’m not as educated, as smart as, as attractive as …
What happened to make you this way?
You’re frightened of someone not loving you any more. You’re afraid of violence. You’re afraid someone might leave you. You’re dependent on someone. You don’t have much self respect. You have low self esteem.
What do you get from behaving this way?
People might like you better. You can avoid responsibility. You become indispensable. You might get sympathy from others. You avoid arguments and conflict. You become a matyr.
Following on from that …
You won’t be able to resolve issues. You won’t be able to sort out conflicts. You won’t be able to say no to other people, and you’ll always end up giving in to their demands. You become powerless and helpless. You won’t be able to set limits or boundaries. You’ll be uncertain about relationships. You won’t be able to make decisions, and will always have to rely on other people’s opinions. You’ll put yourself last all the time. Physical symptoms will set in : insomnia, headaches, lack of concentration, loss of libido. You’re laying yourself wide open to abuse.
I love working in this area. It’s so interesting, and results are satisfying and empowering.
It sounds like such a small thing to specialise in – self esteem.
But it has such huge ramifications for your life and happiness.
http://mindmedia.com/brainworks/profiler
Have a look. It’s interesting. Here’s mine …
Profile:
Auditory : 61%
Visual : 38%
Left : 60%
Right : 40%
