Filed under: Relationships
When someone has let you down, it’s very easy to be upset, hurt, to cry.
They might have been completely thoughtless, or just just put you last on their list of priorities. They might not have realised how important something was to you. They might not have had time to care. They might not have wanted to care, because of something else going on at the time.
I don’t really have the answers, but I can tell you what I do.
The first thing is to take yourself away physically. Not for any other reason but to get some space for yourself. Don’t stay in the situation which is upsetting you. You will only get more upset (duh!). Take some deep breaths, because if you’re like me you might tend to breathe shallowly when you get upset which will only make you feel worse. If you want to cry please do so, I am learning to do this after years of thinking it was a weakness. Believe me it makes you feel way better, even if your eyes swell up like tomatoes and your nose is running. If you think you’re not glamorous when you cry, perhaps I should send you a photo. You’d feel SO much better! 
Then, think of five things in your life which are completely unrelated to this situation, things you like. Things you are grateful for, things you like to do. Here are mine at this moment :
- a cup of tea while looking out at my garden
- a sunny day (yay, I like sunny Saturdays)
- the fact that 99% of the housework is done
- some unexpected money that arrived in my account this morning
- the two new additions to the family (I’ll put up a photo this afternoon, if you’d like to drop by and have a peek!)
Then, the next thing is to remember that you are in charge of how you feel. Other people can be as obnoxious, as careless, as thoughtless as they want to be. But it is your life, and you don’t deserve to feel bad because other people can’t behave properly.
I am not minimalising the fact that you feel bad *at this moment*. But I am emphasising the fact that you can take yourself away, make a conscious decision, and not spend your energy on something that is not your fault. There might be actions you need to take, or things you have to say. But at this moment, I am thinking of you and how you can get through that first horrid couple of hours where you really feel bad, and are probably in no state to make any big decisions on how to deal with whatever-it-is.
So, go out there and have a happy Saturday. I’ll go off and take some pics of these mystery arrivals for you.
Filed under: Organisation
The benefits of getting organised … it removes a lot of stress. It allows you to have a clear mind. You get to spend time doing the things you want to, instead of slaving over a hot floor mop. Your environment reflects you as an organised person, and it shows your personality and style. You’ll feel in control of your life, more confident, more relaxed.
By the way, your environment doesn’t have to be spare and minimalist. You don’t have to have stacks of colour co-ordinated folders or trendy hat boxes in artful arrangements. Don’t think that your system needs to look like anyone elses. It won’t work if it’s not set up the way you want. You can happily exist amongst shoe boxes, or plastic boxes, or banana boxes. if you’re happy with it and it works the way you need, you can have any system you like.
The main thing is to store things where you use them.
You might need to be creative with this – but there’s no point in setting up a complicated system that involves you pulling stacks of stuff out of cupboards to get to something. Store your shoe cleaning stuff near to where you clean shoes. Put your bathroom cleaners in the bathroom, instead of on another floor of your home where the kitchen happens to be. I was always tripped up by sellotape, drawing pins, blu-tac, weird assorted stationery items that didn’t know where they wanted to live. I solved this by acquiring a big tool box with lots of compartments, and stashing it in a cupboard of my dining room. This cupboard is logically an airing cupboard, but it has room for a tool box at the bottom. Because everyone needs this stuff while they’re doing school projects at the dining room table, it works perfectly. I didn’t want a ‘junk drawer’ in my kitchen, so I got rid of it. The junk drawer then turned into the tea-towel drawer because I got sick of walking to the linen cupboard every time I wanted a tea towel. You see how it works … think of what annoys you, or what wastes time, and then change it
Much like life really.
Happy birthday to the daughter, by the way, and welcome to the two new additions to the family.
Did you enjoy today?
Five things about my day :
1. it was beautifully sunny weather 2. I had a great catchup with two friends I haven’t had a chance to talk to in ages – both independent of each other. How’s that for synchronicity? 3. someone asked for my advice at work, I was flattered 4. I came up with a new game for the children I worked with today – educational and lots of fun at the same time and 5. a good mate came around for dinner
It seems that a lot of people have thoughts in the backs of their minds … vague ideas about relationships, how they are supposed to look, and what the reality of them is. Everyone who has talked to me about my last post has more questions. Not that I am an expert by any means, but like most of us I have thoughts and opinions. Perhaps something I come up with might resonate for you.Writing in a blog is an awkward way to communicate, because you’re not here sitting in the same room. I can’t see your facial expressions, or hear your questions or comments. So remember, of necessity this is a one way conversation or soliloquy …
The thought of identifying what we need from relationships can be a bit overwhelming. Where do we start? How do we even begin to make changes we feel we need? What if we feel that we need something, but can’t identify exactly what it is? Perhaps we have a vague sense that something could be better … or a niggling thought that we’re just existing day to day, and not really seeing each other as the person we fell in love with any more.
One way to get things sorted is to see a coach. That’s what coaches do – we gently help someone to unravel their thoughts, to identify what’s worrying them, and then we facilitate the process of making a plan to get things moving. Sometimes just identifying the available choices can be a big load off someone’s shoulders. In my experience it is when people feel the most helpless that they are the most upset. Things seem insurmountable, it seems too hard to deal with, and you don’t know where to start. When in fact, if you have someone helping you from the outside (instead of being closely involved); someone who is trained to listen hard and ask questions and interpret what you’re saying, it all becomes relatively easy to untangle. Once you can see the beginning it all begins to fall into place.
You don’t go to see a coach to be told what to do. It isn’t like being ordered around or listening to a lecture. Don’t get me wrong, you still have to come into coaching with a willingness to talk, take some risks, throw ideas around, and think carefully and deeply about the questions you’ll be asked. You have to be prepared to ‘put the work in’.
But the good thing is that it does not feel like work, or like a chore. The world has enough of those. At the times I’ve been the most uncomfortable talking to a coach, is when I’ve made the greatest progress. Making that decision to do something about your life to make it better is always going to be a bit scary, isn’t it?
Personally, I always like to look at the positive.
There is no point in talking about all the various creative ways someone has made you miserable this week.
So today I have something for you to do that should make you feel good. It should bring up some nice memories for you.
Make a list of the people who have shown you that they really love you. It can be years ago, or yesterday. Think about how you know they love you. Then write these down. Writing them down will help you to identify what it was that made such an impression on you.
What common things can you see? How could you apply these in your everyday life with the people you love?
Popular media and literature give us a slanted view of what relationships are like.
The romantic first meeting. Instant attraction. Excitement, passion, eyes meeting across restaurant tables. The middle stage with its attendant crisis. The ending – sad looks over shoulders, perhaps a soft focus death bed or agonised parting at an airport. You get two choices with this – bliss or disaster.
The discrepancy between what we see on the big screen and what we see in real life can make people think – what’s going on with my life? Comfortable, sometimes tense or distant, sometimes monotonous. The realities of everyday life. The realities of work, being tired, managing all those everyday things that occur over and over. Washing, doing dishes, working on something after hours because you didn’t get it done at work. Maintaining your home, buying groceries. Those extremes of romance seem to slip further away, we can’t remember the last time we went away without the kids.
The solutions seem to be so easy. We need a holiday, if only he would talk more, if only she had the right attitude. Understand yourself better, learn these communication skills. Read this book because it has the answers.
Human relationships are so complex. So many things influence us. Family of origin and how we were brought up, how we saw our parents interact when we were children. Culture, gender, beliefs, attitudes, social networks and expectations, chemistry, genetics. How does each person involved cope with stress, what are our learned behaviors, even down to which developmental stage we are at. How do we make decisions, how do we view and treat each other?
In the past, people quietly moved into separate beds or separate rooms, they quietly led separate lives while still ostensibly living in the same house. Some people with ‘distant’ relationships stay together for life, while some with what appear to be strong bonds end up divorcing. Some live together as parents only, or ‘flatmates’. But the reality of people ‘breaking up’ is much more apparent now than it has ever been before – people have choices, they can divorce, they can live in separate houses, and they most often do.
I think that it has a lot to do with beliefs and expectations about relationships. I think these beliefs play a huge part in whether a couple will stay together or break up. What one couple might be satisfied with could possibly have another couple in the divorce court within six months. It’s not my place to evaluate other peoples relationships, but I’m interested. What are your expectations, what do you need from a relationship, from your partner?
Finally, the thought that relationships are always smooth, functional, and happy isn’t realistic. Alright, maybe if we weren’t flawed human beings with routines, frustrations and challenges. I don’t think we are here to suffer, I don’t think a lifelong marriage or relationship is a sign that you’re a more highly evolved person. The idea that ‘happiness is just around the corner’ isn’t realistic either.
I think it all begins with having some self knowledge and self esteem,social skills, and the courage to take risks and be vulnerable …
Filed under: Work and Motivation
I spoke with someone the other day about a challenging situation they find themselves in. They are frightened. They are apprehensive. They are getting themselves into a state over it.
“Talking to the Boss.”
It hasn’t even happened yet.
All the signs are that this persons boss will be completely amenable to what they want to propose.
But how can they know until they ask?
I know a lot of people who are prone to this behaviour. They worry about things that haven’t happened yet, and they worry about how others might react. Their fear keeps them awake at night. It makes them grumpy, it scares them into immobility.
I have been the boss of people, I *am* the boss of people. I have also been the slave of people, the apprentice, the beginner. At one stage I had two ladies working for me who were quite a bit older, and two ladies working for me who were quite a bit younger. That was rather tricky sometimes :p
There are dynamics in everyworkplace, there are tricky things to be careful of, there are politics. No one can escape it.
But the truth is, you can’t do the right thing for your employees if you don’t know the entire story. You might notice that someone is a bit preoccupied, but be so busy that you don’t get time to attend to it. One of your employees might be ill, and so needing more support than usual. So someone else misses out for a while. Don’t ever take it that your boss doesn’t want to know exactly what you want. Be prepared, think it through. Better still, think of a couple of scenarios that would suit you equally well. Be prepared to see the other side, and be prepared to negotiate. Remember that previous post … assertiveness means playing for a win-win situation.
Finally – please don’t waste another minute of your precious life worrying about things that will probably never eventuate
Ok, now you’ve all recovered from the shock of finding out that I’m *not* Martha Stewart …. :p
here’s your mission for the day. When you go to work, or out to the supermarket, or to playcentre or wherever … I want you to look around at the people you see. I want you to identify something you like or admire about three different people. Here are some ideas to start you off :
I saw a good friend of mine today. When we talk I feel as if she really listens. Not just polite, surface listening, but *really listens*. She asks questions, she tells me what she thinks – it’s great.
My sister (yes, I’ve mentioned her before) is a fabulous mother to her three very lively and clever children. They are full of life and vigor. They make me tired just watching them They are beautiful children and she is so relaxed with them. It’s awesome.
My daughter makes no differentiation between her girl-mates and her boy-mates. None of this silly boy-germs stuff. She relates to other kids as she finds them. I really like this.
There you go. I want you to think about each person you see, and decide on three of them. Think about the quality in them you admire. If you’re brave you can leave me a comment and tell me
Filed under: Self
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
Filed under: Self
“Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.”
–Jules Renard
Filed under: Coaching
If I had always been superbly organised with a charmed life, I don’t think I would have made a very good coach.
I am not always superbly organised. I definitely have not had a charmed life. Although it is a fun life, with a lot of interesting and bizarre experiences … it hasn’t consisted of me lying around on a bed of roses being fed grapes by a multitude of adoring slaves. Unfortunately!
I am just incredibly interested in people and what makes them go. Coach training and all the rest of it is a delicious addition to this. The interest was there way before the training
For nearly all my life so far I’ve watched and talked to a variety of interesting people. I like to know about their motivations, their history, why they made the choices they did, and what happened next. In the meantime I have struggled with being put into boxes I didn’t want to fit into. I’ve made stupid choices and smart ones.
Some things I wish I’d known earlier :
That university is awesome fun. That it is fine to go overseas by yourself. That saving ten dollars a week will indeed make a difference :p that with determination and a sense of humour anything is possible that little kids will always be covered with flour after baking, even if the recipe didn’t involve any flour :p
Some things I’m glad I’ve always known :
That good manners are a necessity. That no one needs to be in a relationship. That being scared is sometimes a very good sign! That if someone behaves badly at the beginning, chances are they’re going to stay that way. That saying ‘no’ is always a viable option.
So anyway I’ve just spoiled your illusions that I’m SuperCoach, SuperWoman, and always have fresh coffee and home baking when you show up unexpectedly. My floor’s always polished and my kids never say rude words. Um, no :p
