It’s all very well for me to talk about work-life balance. But what about the realities of life in the workplace? It doesn’t really have to matter if you’re paid by the hour or if you’re on a salary. We all know that work expands to fit the hours you’ve got, and then it overflows. If you do some overtime you won’t get paid any more, but you’ll stay on top of what you need to get done. If you’re at work early and stay a bit later you might be first in line for a bonus, or even a promotion. Doing overtime might be an expected part of the job – you might not feel you have a lot of choice. Especially when all around you everyone is working long hours. If you’re paid hourly it’s very tempting to do a few extra hours a week, just in case of emergencies or to pay for your kids education. Even tax. Getting that provisional tax bill is never a fun experience.
There are a few things to consider about working overtime, though.
If you’re consistently at work for long hours, you can take it from me that you will be given more work. This seems so peculiar – work longer hours because you’ve got too much work on, and then you’re given more. You know what they say – if you want something done, give it to a busy person. You might get that promotion and then where are you? In the same situation with more responsibilities.
There’s also the fact that when you work long hours you get tired. There’s a higher risk of injury, and you can guarantee you’ll be less productive. Things that would’ve been easy in the morning when you’re fresh will take longer. There’s more room for error.
Then we come to the part of the equation that is more difficult to measure. What will these hours do to your relationships? Kids school events, spending time with your partner, social events with your friends. It will be harder and harder to look after your relationships, and how will your family and friends feel when you never have time to see them any more?
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t work overtime. It can be an excellent way to cover unexpected bills, to get used to a new system at work, to clean something up that needs attention. You’ll look good to the boss and overall you will get more achieved.
But please make sure you keep an overview. If it’s starting to affect your health, if you’re exhausted, or if your family are starting to get upset please take notice and do something about it.
You don’t owe your boss your life.
I once met someone who could not say “no”.
This culminated, as these things do, in an awful situation. A situation where the person did a really incredibly thoughtless thing. A thing that could have changed the entire course of their life, cost them a lot of money, self respect and the respect of their friends and family. It threatened their health in all sorts of ways, and it could have ruined their career.
Being unable to say no certainly taught this person a huge lesson.
It started with not having faith in themselves, in giving more thought to negatives than positives. It started with the person not listening, not taking in what was happening around them, and not looking at the consequences of their behaviour. They had a picture in their mind of what they thought they should be doing. They were unaware of their values and needs. A tendency towards overwork didn’t help. They did huge hours at work, never turned down a request (even when it was completely unwarranted), took on the superperson thing and tried their best to work themselves into the ground. That mindset of not saying no took over. The need for acceptance coloured their perceptions so much that they ended up in a situation that was far beyond reasonable.
There were all sorts of warning signs – headaches, stomach problems, sleeplessness, grumpiness, exhaustion.
Then came the crash. As it always does, when you ignore the obvious. When you live a life that’s contrary to what you really need and value.
In the end, it turned out to be a valuable lesson for the person. But it has (and will) involve a lot of thought, reassignment of priorities, monitoring and assessing and solid work.
To be the coach in this situation is really interesting. I am not the person rebuilding, I’m the person handing over the tools. I’m the person reading the blueprint and translating it. I’m the architect who has the plan in mind, and the plan is altering in subtle ways as the person rebuilds. So it is an evolving thing, it’s not static. No one ever is. We are all works in progress.
Just as I can’t be a coach without consciously developing my skills/education/experience – you can’t be a person who stays the same for very long. You are learning and growing too. We are all building in different ways.
The difference if you are working with a coach-?
You have structure. You are able to see results, instead of stumbling around trying this and that at random. There is a plan, or a blueprint, and each blueprint is drawn for each specific person. I don’t keep a ‘one size fits all’ idea in my head.
You’re right, this is complicated, but very interesting. I’m sure there are easier jobs, in fact I know there are. But no other ‘job’ would be as interesting and intriguing as mine 
Every person needs their own set of specifications. Tomorrow I am meeting a person for their first session of coaching. However many times I do this, it’s still always exciting and new.
Hope you have a good day tomorrow too
What are the signs of stress you should be looking for?
There are so many different ways people react. Sometimes reading a list from a website is more confusing than anything. You could diagnose yourself with all sorts of things, and then you just have another thing to worry about. Different people react in a multitude of ways, and what upsets me may not bother you. The trick is to monitor yourself and recognise things that are out of the ordinary.
Sometimes people work so hard and for so long that they are out of touch with themselves. They focus so intently on their job that they lose track of other things going on around, or within themselves.
One of the most reliable ways I’ve found is when your sleeping patterns change. Being unable to get a good nights sleep is not only bad for you; it sets you up to feel worse and worse. As I’ve said before, I believe that a lot of us are sleep deprived without realizing it. If you have trouble falling asleep (even though you’re exhausted); if you wake in the night, or if you consistently wake feeling tired, grumpy and out of sorts, you need to think about this.
Another thing to watch for is when you seem to be getting angry with people around you. It might manifest as impatience, or irritation. You might withdraw from others. If you used to have great conversations with your partner and now you can’t remember the last time you really talked, this is probably another sign. Perhaps your kids are more irritating than fun. All you see is the mess; all you hear is the noise. When was the last time you had fun with your kids…?
Some people notice vague aches and pains. They get headaches. They begin to make sure they always have a supply of panadeine. Some begin to bite their nails; some find they are smoking more. They might have stomach pains that aren’t easily explainable. One of the signs I noticed when I was in this position was that I really jumped at any loud noises – my reaction was out of proportion to the event.
Another sign can be eating too little or too much. Some people begin to exist on sandwiches, or junk food. They are losing control of their time, because they’re doing too much and they can’t be bothered to cook properly. They can’t be bothered thinking about healthy options and they take the easy way.
Some people just don’t feel happy. They stop enjoying things.
I used to take the family out in the boat most weekends, but we haven’t done that for a while.
I go for a beer with my mates after work on Friday nights. But now I just sit there and end up drinking too much, instead of going home. I hate the hangover next day, but it happens every weekend …
I used to read science fiction but now I don’t have time.
I used to take the kids out quite a lot in the weekends but now I’m just too exhausted …then they get bored and fight which makes things worse.
One of the difficulties associated with being stressed is that it is very hard to ask for help.
But it’s impossible to continue like this forever. Sooner or later, things will crash down and there will be a drama of some sort. The best thing is to sort it before it becomes problematic. Men especially seem to be absolutely determined to soldier on, to be tough, to not ‘crack’. Some guys might feel better going to see their doctor rather than talking to a family member or mate. This can be a way to save face and have the chance to talk to someone who is not going to say anything to anyone else.
Doctors are under the same obligations as coaches.
We don’t go off discussing your business with anyone else, ever.
Filed under: Self
Here are some ideas for you if you’re struggling with insomnia. This post is probably inspired by the fact that I should be in bed right now ….
Try to get into a routine, and be strict about keeping it. I have a series of things that I do every evening without fail, and it sets the scene for a really good nights sleep. I don’t believe it has to be an hour long ritual, but make sure it is the same every time. Additionally, try out some of the bath and shower products currently available. They come in all sorts of nice scents, and you deserve to be pampered. They don’t all smell flowery, so if you happen to be a male don’t write this off automatically. Lots are designed to help you relax and assist with sleep as well.
Try to exercise every day. That is the most boring sentence I’ve ever written, but I know it’s true and so do you. Even if you just go for a slow promenade to your letterbox, that’s a good start. Take note of what you’re doing, really think about the fact that you’re outside, breathe in some fresh air. That’ll do for a start, I can lecture you about harder exercise in a later post!
Don’t drink alcohol before bed. It won’t help. Likewise, don’t eat or drink too close to your bedtime. I have heard different reports on drinking coffee, for every ten people who don’t touch it after 4.00pm I meet a few who swear it doesn’t make a difference. I probably can’t comment, because I drink coffee relatively rarely. This will depend on your own body, so be aware.
Make sure your bed is a relaxing place. Please don’t lie there stressing about the fact that you can’t sleep. If you’re awake for more than about ten minutes, get up and go right out of the room. You don’t want your mind to associate your bed with sleeplessness. Another thing, keep your bed tidy. There is nothing worse than tossing and turning in a tangle of grubby sheets. Change your bed often (you’d be surprised at how this makes a difference). Get rid of that manky pillow and splash out on some new ones. Keep an extra blanket or quilt on hand for if you get cold. My personal opinion is that electric blankets are not as good as hotties in the winter, but of course you need flannelette sheets too. Invest in some good quality sheets for both summer and winter – that horrible knobbly feeling cheap sheets tend to get won’t help you relax.
If you have an awful nights sleep, don’t let yourself nap the next day. You’ll throw out your body clock and make things worse. Force yourself to stay awake until the usual time you go to bed, or slightly earlier. Try not to alter your patterns too much.
I believe that lots of us are sleep deprived, including children. Please, overestimate how much sleep you need. It doesn’t impress anyone to hear you say you can exist on 6 hours a night. If you’re saying this, I bet you’re the grumpy person with bags under their eyes. We all know laughlines are sexy, but bags are not
Imagine the luxury of lying in your nice clean bed, all freshly washed and smelling sweet. You have a great book in your hand, and you know you don’t have to crawl out of your haven for twelve hours.
That is my idea of heaven! The world needs more hours of sleep
Edited to add : try writing a list of things that are bothering you before you get into bed. Don’t lie there worrying about things you can’t do a thing about until the morning. Make sure the room is dark, and that you have some fresh air coming in. Waking up in a stuffy room will start your day off with a headache, and who needs that?
Time for bed now *yawn*
… from the daughter.
In the weekend I trimmed a few shrubs (nothing scientific, just the hedge trimmers) and when I’d finished, I left them out on the patio with a few other tools. This afternoon after work, the daughter vanished for a while. I should have been suspicious, it was very quiet … anyway, she comes to get me and makes me walk outside with my hands over my eyes.
“Surprise!!”
She’d taken to my camellia tree with the trimmers, and carved a smiley face to surprise me.
I have talked to *so* many people who cannot say no.
They don’t want to upset others. They see what other people want them to do as more important. They do not want to appear ‘lazy’ or ‘incompetent’. They want to help. They think they have enough time available.
You probably know all their reasons already.
The thing that seems to be a stumbling block for most is that they can’t think of a ‘polite’ way to say no.
Don’t be too apologetic. If you can’t do it for whatever reason, you don’t need to apologise. You can be totally sympathetic, but don’t be overly apologetic. This gives the signal that you just might change your mind if you’re put under pressure.
If you say “Let me think about it and get back to you”, just leave it there. Don’t give any impression that you will probably say yes. You’re thinking about it because you have no answer one way or the other.
You are not under any expectation to give an explanation. It is reasonable for you to say “I don’t have time to do that”. You don’t have to explain any further. It is your life and your time, after all.
Before you commit to anything, consider what you’re already supposed to be doing. If you do anything more, something will have to be rescheduled. You might have to give something else up. Remember too that you are supposed to be having time for yourself each day.
Just because there are 24 hours in the day does NOT mean that you fill up every minute doing jobs for other people.
Filed under: Uncategorized
You’ll see these to the left of the page in the Tag Cloud – I’m thinking that I should divide ‘Self’ up a little. Maybe it could be turned into ‘Self’ and ‘Relationships’. I’m going to look at this tonight. It shouldn’t take too long to do, and maybe it’ll make looking for the information you want a bit easier.
I’m assuming everyone knows how Tag Clouds work The great thing about WordPress is that the clouds are so easy to set up. I spent hours creating one when I was over at Blogger … they’re also good for me because I can see which category I need to work on next!
Remember if there’s a specific topic you’d like to read about, just let me know
Here’s the picture I promised you yesterday – the daughters birthday presents. They are quite young, and the blue one is a girl. The green one of course is a boy, so I might be a BudgieGrandma in a year or so :p
Filed under: Coaching
Let’s be completely honest about this. We can always make time for things that are important to us, for things that are fun, for things that get results. If you’re having problems with managing time, that’s a good indication you would benefit from coaching. You will learn how to maximize time, and identify ways where you could be utilizing your time in more productive ways. You might be dealing with a personal decision, a time of change or growth, or a business crisis.
You might have a myriad of ideas and not know where to start. The time you spend agonizing, worrying, dithering … could be better spent in an hour with a coach.
In your first session with me, we will find out exactly which areas of your life are bothering you. A lot of people say to me “I just don’t know why, but I’m not happy. I don’t know where to start … “ This isn’t a problem. It’s easy to be overwhelmed by the ‘big picture’. You are not the only one who feels that their life is out of control, that they don’t know where to begin. Luckily, you have me to help
It’s very easy to break it down into manageable chunks. That’s the beauty of having someone paying attention to what you’re saying, to listen between the lines. It is easy for me to help you get past that overwhelmed panic stage, and put some easy strategies in place to help you feel more in control.
I was talking to someone the other day about this, and we laughed about that old saying “How do you eat an elephant?”
“One bite at a time.”
.
Filed under: Relationships
“what to say to a person who has hurt you”
That’s what someone was searching for when they came across my blog earlier today.
I hope that something I wrote helped, but I didn’t give any specific thoughts on what to actually *say*.
Maybe something like one of these : that really hurt. I don’t want to deal with this right now because I feel really upset, I’ll talk to you later when I’ve calmed down. did you realise how much that upset me? I feel upset and I need to go for a walk/have some time out/go away and think about this.
Of course, you could lose your temper and go berserk, but then you go all red and get a sore throat. I vote you say something that gets the message across that you’re not happy, then take yourself off to consider your next move.
It is hard to make good decisions when you’re upset.
