NewZealandCoach’s Weblog

Hands up everyone who thought I was serious with that title!

Nope, I’m in no way an expert. I have my talents, and some things I am hopeless with. But luckily life has conspired to show me that I’m not a finished piece of work – I’m art in progress. Well, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

This post is inspired by a situation I found myself in this morning.

Like a lot of you reading, I have been through a divorce, which taught me a lot of useful lessons. We have come through quite a journey as we went through the separation, division of everything we owned, court proceedings, lawyers, arguments and the other mayhem that ensues when two people realise that their way forward together is impossible.

The biggest ongoing lesson, for both of us, has been to continue to parent our children even though we are no longer married. Of course, some people do not do this. They have as little to do with each other as possible. For various reasons we decided that this was not an option for us – we believed that the children deserved as many interested and loving adults in their lives as possible. As well as that, there’s the Gang-Up Factor. (I should trademark that!) Let me describe it :

Child decides he/she wants expensive gadget that quite frankly I have no interest in purchasing. Child nags. Child pleads. Child becomes convinced that all future life is blighted and barren without expensive gadget.

I tell child that I will consider this request, if the child brings to me a list of ‘jobs’ that will be undertaken. I don’t pay children for the usual household tasks – my philosophy is that we all live here together, and I am not the Clean Up Fairy. This will be another post. However, the child brings me a list of ways they are prepared to work to earn the money for this gadget.

I study the list, and I see that there are things included that I believe are part of everyday life. I’m not prepared to pay for them, and I say so.

We ring up dad. We tell him the story, and we ask him if he might be prepared to provide opportunities for child to earn this money.

Dad, who is a farmer, offers the option of doing farm related tasks. These are again not the everyday jobs of life on a farm. Both of us don’t believe that we should pay our kids for existing in the world purely so we have the pleasure of seeing their smiling faces diving into the pantry after school to hoover up all the groceries.

There are two step parents involved as well. We all present a united front. The step parents in this case have been great. They have both stood by as we have struggled sometimes with our changed roles in the kids lives, offered support and silence and cups of coffee at the right time. They have supported us in front of the children, and listened to us both for hours as we worked out how we were going to present a united front with the focus on the kids. That’s the important, and only thing to concentrate on. The best thing to do for the kids.

The children have grandparents as well, and a favorite auntie and uncle. I sometimes feel sorry for them. There is no way they would ever be able to get away with anything. They have a gang of adults, who are all interested, involved and aware of their lives on a day to day basis. There is no way that they would ever feel isolated, or unconnected to their whanau.

This process took work, and if I’m honest, sometimes it was work that I undertook with gritted teeth. I used to think – I’m divorced because I don’t want to deal with him any more!

There are ways to deal with this situation. It can be achieved without serious bloodshed, broken china or slammed-down-telephones.

And if you are out there reading, and have never been through a divorce, please accept my congratulations. You are fabulous Leave us all your tips in a comment!

talk to me : coachdawn_newzealand@yahoo.com on yahoo messenger